mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
