Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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