Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
