I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
