You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
NoShamevember. You game?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
