I haven't been this sober since birth.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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