She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
