I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
