My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
