go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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