I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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