Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
