It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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