Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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