the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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