Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
