apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A bitchslap is in order.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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