Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
