thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
