My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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