The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
