I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
