im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
