I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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