There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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