Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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