Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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