Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
