I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
