At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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