this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
bring money and cleavage
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
