dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
