Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
