I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Congratulations! We have a period
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
