she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
