You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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