Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
