the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
