He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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