sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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