I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am midnight drunk by noon
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
