I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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