fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
