You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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