I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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