ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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