Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
