mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
