And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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