If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
