I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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