maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
