I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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