just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
