Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
