well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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