dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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