Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
