Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
