wanna go halves on a baby?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
