dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
