i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
