Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
